My little bitty BatFlash
by Kyer
Summary: Where I'm sticking all my really short ideas dealing with comedic Flash/Batman slash. Updated as the muse strikes. SENIOR MOMENT ALERT! IGNORE ANY EMAIL ABOUT A CHAPTER THREE! ergh hit the wrong story to load to gah.
1. Chapter 1

Wally couldn't stand it anymore.

* * *

Bruce would have anyone know that he was just minding his own business while on the Batmobile computer when a sudden whirlwind struck.

Out of the blue (well, _gray_ really as this was _Gotham_ City we are talking about) something yanked him out of his seat and whirled him around. His cape was wrapped tightly around his body, negating all immediate hope of freeing his arms so as to reach the goodies hidden in his utility belt. Within the space of a blink he was being zipped along at a near migraine inducing speed. Before his brain could finish thinking the _four-lettered-word-plus-one-'h' that probably stood for hell_ which best describing this type of situation, Batman was inside an alcove of chiseled light gray stone looking down into a distant, forested landscape instead of his gloomy--and much more roomy---domain that was hidden under Wayne Manor.

The Dark Knight was not impressed by this sight of nature's majesty.

"Flash." The Dark Knight set his jaw. The idiot's reason for taking him away from his patrol had better be good.

"Yeah?" the hyperactive man gulped and considered that this might not have been such a great impulsive desire to give in to as it had seemed like all of fifteen seconds ago.

"Where are we, and--more importantly" Batman paused to grit his teeth "--_why_?"

"SouthDakota,Mt. Rushmore,Abraham Lincoln'seye,notgettingmarried."

"Rewind and repeat that at a _human_ speed."

"Honest Abe's eye. Us in." Flash anxiously peered outside. "Nice view he's got, huh? The one from Jefferson's eye sucks."

"Besides the point that climbing Mount Rushmore is against one law--and I am getting tempted to break a second one, I ask again...._why_ are we here?"

"Er.." The Flash was actively trembling now--little gray dust clouds rising up from his vibrations. Probably making Lincoln look like he had a cataract. "J'onn's after me--" the speedster began.

Bruce inwardly sighed. He'd been expecting this ever since J'onn had ordered that large shipment of his favorite food stuff and had then spent an hour secreting it in various---hopefully Flash-proof---hiding spots around the WT. If the alien's dream of eating his chocos in peace had proven to be in vain, their resident roadrunner was in peril.

Like The Batman should _care_ whether Wally ended up becoming one with the moon.

Except he could already picture the look on Superman's face if Flash ended up deceased. The Man of Steel would mope and and generally be as useless as the speedster was for at least a week.

After a moment, the Dark Knight sighed.

"Flash, he wouldn't threaten to drop you from the upper stratosphere if you'd just leave his Oreos alone--"

"J'onn's after me...._to get married_," Flash finished for clarification.

"--and buy your own--" Batman blinked. Wait--_what?_ Okay, that _wasn't_ what he' d expected. "Excuse me?"

"It's not fair!" Flash threw up his hands and proceeded to bewail at him, interspersing enough assorted hand gestures that they created and kept up a slight breeze. "He says I'm the only one available on account as everyone else he trusts to..to..._you know_....that thing that married people do to make it sanctioned like but which mom says I'm not supposed to know about until I'm 40 on pain of death---is already in love with someone else, so _no way Jose_ are they ripe for the pickings and he isn't that kind of Martian to go butting in on someone else's gnarlzarts! But I know that can't be true because you're Batman and Batman doesn't love anyone so_ you're_ free, aren't you?"

"What?"

"Of entanglements," Wally explained with a flair, obviously expecting a response. When none was forthcoming within the time it took Batman to breath in another lungful he added, "To marry J'onn." Flash rolled his eyes in nervous exasperation. C'mon, Bats, put the brain in drive and help me out here!"

"J'onn wants to marry _you_?" Batman's voice was heavy with disbelief.

For a split second Flash looked insulted before shifting his gaze to studying his garishly yellow boots as he scuffed them against the ground and played with the fingers of his gloves. "Uh huh."

Bruce was seriously starting to consider the possibility that Jonathon Crane had snuck up on him and struck and that this was all just a Scarecrow-induced psychedelic bad dream.

"Dare I ask _why_?"

"So he won't be deported next time he steps foot in the MetroTower."

_"Deported?"_ Batman mulled the word over, wracking his brain for some relevant tie in to J'onn. Nothing came to mind and he read all the daily online newspapers and relevant blogs. Unless this wasn't something that had just hit the news?

"Yeah."

"Deported as in...because he's an illegal _alien_?"

Wally nodded emphatically. "Oh good--you understand the predicament then! Because I was sort of afraid you'd be all grumpy and bat-scowly like and not help out and then I wouldn't have an argument to give J'onn and he'd be off right now paying the Las Vegas preacher and signing the papers, but it's okay now because you're smarter than anyone takes you for, but you know that, don't you, because your Batz and there isn't anyone smarter than Batman which was why I came to you and, well, because I figured you probably were single what with the loner attitude and all. Um...then...uh..so you'll do it?" Flash asked in a stammering voice.

Batman didn't blink this time. He now had as much of a handle on understanding 'Flash thought' as it was possible for a mortal man to attain; therefore nothing would flabbergast him for the rest of this conversation--_so help him God_. The only thing that still had him utterly confused was why Flash never brought up these stupidities of his to Superman--who had far more tolerance for them--or at least had the option of instantaneous vertical take off before the aural onslaught caused brain neurons to overload.

"Marry J'onn?" Batman asked for clarification. "Matrimony?"

Wally again rolled his eyes. "Well, _technically_ the paperwork would be for a domestic union, but it would be more of...me with you. We could annul it after J'onn finds someone else because I would and he wouldn't so you or I'd be stuck being Mrs. Martian--or is that Mrs. Manhunter?--unless we domestic unionified each other first in which case we'd both be off the hook."

The Cape Crusader stared at him.

"Flash, J'onn has a green card. In fact all League members hold green cards from every civilized nation that will issue them. Nobody is getting kicked back to their country or planet of origin."

Soulful white eye lenses stared back at him.

"So...meaning Killawog would have a green card too?"

"Yes."

"And Fire?"

"Affirmative."

"Mr. Miracle?"

Batman grunted.

Flash hesitated for a fraction of a moment---which meant he was desperately trying to think of another name to add to his list of potential deportees.

"Boomer Gold?"

_"Unfortunately."_

"What about...?"

Batman refrained from a powerful urge to pinch the bridge of his nose and stave off the coming headache. Instead, he reached into his suit and pulled out a wallet. Out fanned a collection of global passports and green cards with Batman's mug on them. "Every alien in the League---geopolitical _and_ extraterrestrial---has clearance to be in the United States. Come to that...does this conversation imply that you never read the priority email last April and picked up the cards we collected for you?"

"Oh...er...um..," this was followed by a very quiet and very quickly muttered "damn" over twiddled thumbs. "Heh...oops?" He zoomed off.

Leaving Batman alone to contemplate the world as seen from the eye of Abraham Lincoln before a red blur zoomed back and he was suddenly back in the Batmobile as if nothing had transpired inter-state wise.

* * *

Flash re-appeared the next day while Batman was on Monitor Womb duty.

The Scarlet Speedster was wearing glow-in-the-dark stars on his uniform and a paper cutout 'crown'. A plastic yellow kid's jump rope was looped and held firmly in his left hand.

"Flash?"

He was rewarded with the innocence-laden return gaze of the mentally challenged. "What?"

"You...look like Wonder Woman."

Flash glanced down at himself with a bemused air. "Oh...yeah...kinda spent lunch hour at the orphanage. Kids wanted to play jump rope and Give The Flash A Makeover Day. They seemed to like the result....I dunno...which me do you think is more...um...hero-ish and photogenic?"

"You...look like Wonder Woman."

"I know. Is that good or bad?" Batman turned his back towards him.

"Flash---get those things off before Diana sees you and thinks you are mocking her."

Flash's mouth had formed a smile at the beginning of his sentence before Batman got around to adding the second half. The smile deflated. He zipped out and...

_Zoom--swish--_

"Ah'm thah thadoh thah haunth thah nith." Another swish at a different location. "Baths! I eedth ah avor."

"What now?" Batman turned around then hurriedly turned back with an inward groan. "No, you may not hang out in the Batcave to help you get into character for the Central City Orphange Halloween party."

"Bauh, Baths!"

"No."

"Aw...ith faw tha idth! Lukth enthu mah eythe."

"And get those ridiculous fangs out of your mouth before you--"

"_Deef_ enthu mah _Ow!_"

--"bite your own tongue, _Count Flashula_." He dared not turn around lest the speedster spot his involuntary grin. (There were some of the glow-in-the-dark stars stuck to the vampire cape missed during Flash's quick change.)

Wally removed the uncooperative oral prop. "John says to act a part you have to really get into the psyche of the character. I thought you might give me some tips on....you know...being one with the bat man?"

"I'm busy and am _neither_ a vampire nor is this Transylvania."

"Yeah, but Gotham's the next best thing in creepy atmosphere and nobody else knows how to be a bat like Batman," the speedster pointed out. "How am I going to learn in time for the party and win the costume contest?" He bounced in place. "Winner gets deuce tickets on an exclusive-for-two, international boat cruise and _I'm_ willing to share the _spoils_."

Batman frowned.

"A non-profit organization for children is offering cruise--"

"A trip to Dizzy World and pre-park access to the It's A Small Globe boat ride." Wally missed Batman's expression as the older man inwardly cringed at the thought of suffering through such an awful fate as listening to peppy animatronic renditions of _It's a world of cheer.._. "So, c'mon, Batz...teach me to fly with the...um...rodents."

"Oh I can think of several dozen teachers." He hit a button on his utility belt. There was a flutter from the inner recesses of the batcave. Then....

The Dracula cape fluttered to the ground at roughly the same second Wally's footsteps left Gotham's city limits.

Batman settled back to work and tried _not_ to consider how cute the man had looked wearing the glow-in-the-dark vampire fangs and cape.

* * *

The Green Lantern (John Stewart), Shayera Hol (formerly Hawk Girl) and Superman were in the Watchtower lounge enjoying snacks while watching back-to-back episodes of the black & white classic antics of The Little Rascals on the Older Than Dirt tv channel.

"I swear that Alfalfa character looks like you--only with the cowlick at the rear instead of the front," Shayera giggled. Superman made a face.

"Does not."

Shayera snickered. "He even has that Darla chick after him. She's _so_ a Lois Lane to his Superman. And that oversized Bulleseye dog is like Krypto. Buckwheat's..."

"Don't go there." John glared at her...then snorted. "I suppose that would make Spanky their Batman."

All three giggled at the image of the roundish kid in a batsuit, glaring at the other Rascals.

"J'onn?"

"The _"Remarkable"_ kid?" Clark supplied. "Luthor?"

"The spoiled rich kid," they all decided at once.

"Flash?" Shayera asked.

"Wrong show," John decided as he flipped the channel to its twin Ancient Comedy. "Wally's more a Keystone Cop."

"Slander...Detectives Fred Chyre and Tony Morillo aren't nearly that silly."

A small tornado had come in and quickly transported the remaining food from the refrigerator into it's stomach.

The Flash had arrived for a snack having already depleted the cafeteria stock. This was not unusual in itself. In fact, it happened several times a day.

However, the fact that his lightning bolt ear antennae had been _stretched out to form a bow at the top of his spandex covered head_ was not considered a common sight.

"Man, every time I talk with Batz lately I end up with a ringing in my ears and a headache." He watched a few seconds more of the Keystone Cops moving at a sped up rate as they barely escaped calamity after calamity. "Wow...this time it's even mucking with my vision perceptions--the screen action is almost moving along at a decent speed. Maybe I'd better go lay down or something." The Fastest Man Alive blithely chugged down the last iced mocha before leaving in a blur.

GL and Shayera stared slack jawed at where their friend had been standing.

"Um..."

"Did..?"

Superman nonchalantly switched the channel back to The Little Rascals, contemplating the similarities between the bossy Darla and a certain reporter he knew. "Batman will fix the Flash's head gear later when he "unwraps his present."

Stewart turned even greener at the thought of: "Thanks, Big Guy, for that image. All we need are future little bad-ass tykes running around at super speed taking over the WT mainframe and refusing to take naps."

Shayera grunted as she relaxed back into the couch. "Could be worse. If Flash kept dating Fire in a few years we'd all be at risk for Hot Flashes." She returned her team mates disgusted looks. "What?"

"You've been hanging around Wally too much."

* * *

a/n: I went out and purchased Green Lantern: First Flight. Except for a couple of bloody scenes and one character breaking to other characters necks (with crunching noises) it was like watching a JLU episode. Meaning it was fun (Hal's constructions are WAY better than John's lackluster creations in the animated shows), but not worth more than the price of the regular dvd.

There was a preview of Public Enemies (Batman and Superman) that was really interesting looking. Didn't look like it was going to have Flash in it, but he's mentioned at least once by Superman in a somewhat humorous exchange (although the circumstances aren't funny at all.) I'm sort of glad as I can't see Wally believing Luthor and trying to run down Supes and Bats with the rest of the idiots. In fact, why the rest of the 'heroes' would go after the duo had better be darned believable. This is due out September 29.

Dear God....there is a character out there in the comics universe called Green Lightning who is a "descendant of Kyle Raynor and Wally West." Do I want to know? 0.o*


	2. Chapter 2

**_EMERGENCY AUTHOR'S NOTE! PLEASE READ!_  
**

**I WASN'T GOING TO UPLOAD THIS YET, BUT CIRCUMSTANCES ARE BAD. (YES, AGAIN.) I'M LOSING MY MUCH LOVED ISP: IN A MATTER OF LESS THAN TWO WEEKS IF NOT DAYS. THE OWNER IS HAVING TO SHUT DOWN HIS BUSINESS DESPITE GIVING IT HIS ALL AND IT'S A REAL TRAGEDY FOR ALL INVOLVED...HE WAS FANTASTIC TO DO BUSINESS WITH...A TRULY HONORABLE MAN.**

**SO JUST IN CASE I CAN'T FIND AN AFFORDABLE/DECENT HOUR LIMIT ISP--I'M UPLOADING THIS NOW BOTH AS A WAY TO LET YOU ALL KNOW AND TO SAVE IT FROM EDITOR OBLIVION SHOULD THE WORST HAPPEN.**

**I WON'T BE ABLE TO TIDY THIS UP OR RESPOND TO REVIEWS UNTIL AT LEAST MID APRIL AT BEST.**

**Respectfully, Kyer  
**

* * *

**A/N: This was going to be a second chapter for Drowning...but I love that story too much to pollute it with crack. So it got drop-kicked here instead.**

**Warning! As the title suggests BatFlash. That means Batman isn't going to be going for Diana here if you catch my drift.**

**Humor/Romance Mild Slash references. You don't like; I don't care.**

**Kyer doesn't own DC's stuff. They were just laying about, see, so she moved them around a little, toyed with the idea of keeping 'em, then decided a lawsuit wasn't worth it (barely) and threw in this here disclaimer. Honestly, though, at least I don't kill them. Can DC claim that? No. Talk about abuse....**

**Actually, speaking of abuse...cover your eardrums. Wally is about to sing. Badly. Intentionally. 'Nuff of the warnings.  
**

_

* * *

_

Yeah, he may not wear a kick-ass ring,

But he's still my whole heart's only fling!

_And though he wears of cape of red, _

_It's not Superman whose turned this head!_

_Peeps, it's totally, extremely cosmic in scope:  
_

_(Truss me up with Wonder Chick's magic rope,)  
_

_Man, I'm no liar!_

_He's my one desire!_

_No Batman's ire_

_Can douse our fire!  
_

"Oh for the love of...Flash? Shut it down before I drop kick you out of this plane," John Stewart growled with some rancor. Understandable as it was _his_ seat that was unfortunately right in front of the source of caterwauling---and the nonsensical noise had been going on without respite for a good quarter of an hour now.

"What? You don't like Classical Flash? How about...

_Ain't got no cause to fear, when a Martian's got your rear!_

"Flash..."_  
_

_H__olds me closer than my tights, On those lonely, lonely nights.  
_

_Whoa--oh--oh--oh!_

_Wa-oh--oh--Oh..oh!_

_"Wa-whoa--oh--"_

"Flash!"

Wally yelped and ducked behind his chair as a glowing green hand made a swipe at his head. "Geez--what did I do now?"

"Some of us are trying to concentrate here," John glared, letting his team mate see the digital reader held in his hand.

"Oh? What'are'ya doing then?" Peering cautiously over the seat back to make sure The Green Lantern didn't have any more constructs ready to dispense excessively aggressive art criticism, Wally snorted at the small screen. "Isn't that the same crossword puzzle you've been doing for the last hour, John?" He cheekily added, "Why don't you have Batz call Oracle for the answers?

"It might surprise you to learn that the _object_ of puzzles are to figure them out for yourself. Besides, this isn't a crossword...it's a hieroglyphics instruction manual written in Oan, and your yowling has the power to cancel out all human and probably most alien cognitive thought."

"Whosa'what?" Wally's voice oozed confusion. He knew darn well that John was getting irritated by his antics, but it was such fun to wind his friend up by pretending ignorance of words with more than one syllable.

"Logical thinking. Don't strain your brain. Or my hearing."

With a scowl, Wally leaned back into his seat and folded his arms. It's just _songs_, GL."

"Screeching a bunch of words does not a song make."

"You just don't like artistic expression or my ability to write _love_ songs."

"You made that tripe up on the spot--" Batman's voice from the pilot's chair also sounded aggrieved. He'd might have been farther away than Stewart was, but still definitely well within hearing distance.

"Well, I'm talented that way, Wally grinned. Batman's grimace deepened at the continued, unabashed flippancy and despite that he was facing away from The Flash--they all knew it.

"...rather poorly versed and with the sole purpose to annoy us."

The speedster grinned even wider. "I'm talented that way, too." He tapped his ear communicator. "J'onn? S.H.I.T. Scenario four."

"S.H.I.T.?" John raised an eyebrow. This did _not_ bode well.

There was a hesitation during which Wally set his ear antennae from internal to external speakers--loudest volume.

_"Hello, snookums, would you like a foot rub today or something of a more personal touch? "_ Batman's sultry voice flooded the air space inside of the javelin just as Batman's image came over the screens.

He had a spa towel over one shoulder.

"J'ONN!"

"Batman?" The onscreen Dark Knight jerked back a step in surprise, rapidly changing form to reveal a flustered J'onn J'onzz. "Flash, what--? _Why_ did you ask for Super Hero Impression Trick Scenario #4 with the real Batman there listening in?"

Wally smirked, but his voice held no sign of anything but pure innocence. "Can I help it if the Caped Crusader's biggest feature is his super-sized nosiness and that he's snooping in on a private conversation?"

"Private? Then the video options are not set to...?" The martian glanced at his instruments for verification. "..._on_. They are on. Oh gods." He made a grab for a switch and the screens went dark.

John coughed, pretending to study his 'manual'. "Five letter word for idiot in deep S.H.I.T. Starts with an F."

The speedster's head titled for a second as he ran through possible combination at hyper speed. "No such word."

"Not according to my reference material."

Over the antennae speakers, J'onzz fearful voice could be clearly heard. "Gods of Mars on a Pez stick. _Batman_ heard me impersonating _Batman_... I'm ambulatory dead meat, aren't I?"

"Yes..but not as soon as a Black-eyed Flash is going to be," John mockingly reassured him. "He seems to have forgotten he is currently in an enclosed jet with no way out."

Wally's smile disappeared quicker than unattended food in the cafeteria as Batman stabbed the auto pilot button so hard it squeaked. "Oh shit..." Flash gulped. "Exitexitexit---Batz, listen, we can't fight or throw batarangs or any other pointy, perforating projectiles in here...might cause a crash if they hit something...then the jet pieces will fall down...hitting people and puppy dogs--you don't want puppy dogs to suffer, do you?"

John frowned. "Not that I don't think he deserves it, but...kid has a point."

In answer, a dark and scary-looking gauntlet reached for another--_red_--button. The side doorway slid open, sucking a wide-eyed Flash out of the plane before even he could react.

"Wally!"John stared disbelieving at the howling, sucking hole where the speedster had been standing just a moment before. Sure, the speedster had been asking for some form of retaliation, but....the kid didn't have the ability to fly! "I better go--" He was in the process of standing up to fly after him when Batman pushed past and leaped out of the same hole. John rushed to the opening. Below he could make out two shapes. One red with blurs for legs as he attempted to run while still plummeting downward; the other a streamlined black arrow heading straight for the first. When it got closer, black 'wings' jutted out from the second figure, but miraculously didn't slow him down by much.

Shaking his head, John went for the pilot seat of the otherwise abandoned Javelin.

_No way_ was he getting in the middle of that one.

* * *

The Fastest Man Alive was trying hard not to panic---he really was.

Okay, so it wasn't like this kind of thing had never happened to him before. He'd once jumped out of a plane years ago--_and on purpose, too_--in order to save a falling airline stewardess during an attempted hijacking. Albeit a bit worse for wear by the time he hit the ground and in need of a new suit from the trees that had tried to slice and dice him more thoroughly than an As Seen On TV kitchen gadget, he'd survived the experience with the damsel safely cradled close to his body. That had been a scary experience for both parties because he'd jumped out without a clue as to how he was going to save either of them.

This...? (Wally glanced down at the swiftly approaching ground. He then looked up into the general vicinity of where he had come from and saw the rapidly descending herald of doom.) This was a _nightmare_.

Batman was swooping down towards him like a vampire bat who'd sighted a particularly hapless red wally bird in mid molting. It was enough to make him forget to keep his legs forming that cushion of air to slow his descent. The ground started coming up even faster. If he didn't do something to decelerate he was going to die like he'd lived---fast.

Then again, becoming a smear spot on the planet's surface might be a better and quicker end than letting Batman catch up. All he had to do was hope gravity was more powerful than The Bat's rage.

What to do?

Eeny, meeny, miney, mo...

_Wait...ah hell....rocket boosters? Where did Bruce keep rocket boosters in that suit?! "Awww--fuuuuu--"_

WHAM!

For a moment Wally fought to breath against the combined pressures of free fall and arms wrapped tightly around his torso. On the other hand, why he was bothering to get another lungful when...

"Erm...Hi, Batz. Is this where I die a horrible death? Because--honestly--I could have managed that all by myself. No trouble." He gestured at the rapidly approaching ground.

"Flash--"

"Or you could kill me because--really---can't stop you; but would you make it quick seeing as I hate slow--"

"Shut up."

"Don't I get a last word?"

"No."

_Good old Bruce--always so decisive during a crisis._

The wings that Batman was wearing opened more fully. Next thing Wally knew they were skirting the tops of trees and buildings at high speed. The velocity Wally could handle with ease. The looks of sheer terror on the faces of those pedestrians who spotted them were old hat. The grimace on the face of his savior/executioner combined with the others, though....

"What about a pair of clean underwear for my funeral?!"

"I'll lend you a pair of mine."

"Yeah, but mom always said---wait---_yours?_"

Lips pressed against his...then a tongue---effectively shutting him up at last.

"Mine," Bruce responded.

Wally could live with that.


End file.
